Ironi-c-ity

The grey tones of the sky,when everything looks out of an old picture album. I love the look of this city when it is cloudy. The old discolored buildings look beautiful, the sea looks as an extension of grey sky and the traffic seems less harsh. I like trotting off in the drizzle too when droplets keep hitting and missing sometimes. Its such a nice feeling, so romantic, so holiday like when you want to go for a drive or have coffee with friends and not work.
Yesterday was just like that when i was sipping my green tea and devouring the mumbai gossip columns. Suddenly i looked out and i could not see many of the buildings and hear much. It had started raining, rather pouring pails. I was all snuggled up in my dry home and was enjoying only the patter of the rain as pitter couldnt be heard. Suddenly my phone beeped and there it was the tolling of the death bells. I had had to go make a family call and visit the not so far in relation but geographically quite away relatives. I braced myself with the rain cheater, my bag in obnoxious poly bags and stepped out. I have been mostly lucky with autos in mumbai, but this time they pulled a bangalore on me! it was deja vu no autos and if there were turned a deaf ear to my pleas. my rain cheater got cheated by rain; and shoes not so water proof got soaking wet. Super optimistic i looked at the bright side in the cloudy weather and thought i am just a lap away from my place. I can wade through and get the inevitable weapon the umbrella. Yeah laugh out loud i was depending too much on the branded water proof zipper. I changed and again this time doubly ready with the umbrella and the right pair of shoes stepped out a little more confident. Lucky as i am i got a rick right outside my building; i couldnt stop smiling. i got in the royal ride and closed the tarpoline curtains; drawing them sometimes to peer out at the scene outside. It was all wet wet wet and splash,splash, splash. At this one traffic light i was rummaging through the profound thoughts of counting my blessings and feeling sorry for the people without protection from rain Gods. Suddenly my saving angel, that the auto driver snapped me out of the gratitude and told me that i have to take another auto as his had a flat. In disbelief the sympathiser became the empathizer. after five mins of struggle with the umbrella to get it to open and ten minutes of dodging the traffic and fifteen minutes of eternal wait for another of those knights in bajaj armours. I got an auto!
When i came back my toes had wrinkled to age 90 and my clothes had become the second skin, i still could hear the patter.
Today in the papers they splashed it all over that yesterday was the wettest day. Its sunny today but ironically no one wants me to meet them badly today.

Tug of War!

She was tugging at my hair trying to calm down the waves and i was looking deep in my eyes reading the quagmire of dreams and fears i was losing myself into. I was the un-tameable just like my hair and today it was being harnessed! But why was i giving in why was everything shaping up in shapes i did not consider befitting me; i was being driven into each of those molds. It was suddenly as if all the planets decided on a whim to line up against me. An aspiring New Yorker was trying to settle for a fake of Big Apple manufactured in India. Consolation was i could at last live in this lovers paradise. But as if with every perfect deal there is a fine print which they did read out aloud though at a sprinting pace. It soon occurred to me that this paradise was still under construction, the worst i realized the workers were fleeing off the site. But being a twenty something, i am an incorrigible romantic and foolishly hopeful about the next day, year, decade and even my old age. Everyday when i lay down my head watching my favorite sitcom and smiling in my sleep dreaming about the days to come. But waking up into a nightmarish reality that i am the same but my circumstances are not me and this is not where i thought i’ll be. I just find myself drifting far off from my ideal self. The one i thought i will construct out of myself.

“Who we are” and “who we desire to be” are always on a plane but opposing each other at 180 degree angle. I wonder when the boundaries will ever blur here.

But it is a threesome in this place, there is also this one person we pretend to be. SO there is who we are then who we would want to be and the one who we pretend to be – who is that? where does it stand in the tugging. Is it more on the side of who we are and not letting us who we want to be or is it on the other side towards who we desire to be. But then the pretension should just make us super models or billionaires or whoever that aspired self is. So many times we discount many calling them pretentious but aren’t we all pretending to be someone who we are not. I remember that day when i scared the lizard out of the house just to prove that i was the brave enough to, but still thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Pretending to be generous, giving out an aura of “ I am the Queen of this world” but deep inside we feel like a homeless freak. I am beginning to believe that it lies somewhere in the middle, it is not letting us sink deep into the unwanted reality and not let us float into the fluffy dream. Pretension is our survival tactic, our defense mechanism.

Our reality, our aspiration and our make believe self that is who we are a struggle, a war we need not win.

Tanushri

and where did i loose it...

I wanted this post to be the big blockbuster as a comeback but i soon realized like the movie stars who are missing from the scene too long can hardly create ripples; but then what the heck i say, i ain't holding up money for this one to be a hit!.... so where did you loose me!

Loosing things is a part of life that yellow umbrella i don't remember was it the lecture hall or the crowded train where did i loose it; my precious snoozing bear key ring i lost it with the key but where?my favorite book and that cherry red T shirt to whom did i loose that? it bites and you feel like hitting yourself when you loose things. But at the end things are things - so much replaceable; but what about when you loose those months, and hours and minutes when you look back and think where did i loose all that time. When wisdom suddenly gets better of you and you realize the lost opportunities. When loneliness strikes and you think about on which turn did i loose my friends. When in retrospect you think about those drunken nights and blurry days you wonder where did i loose my mind. Your innards squirm and your brain starts rattling logic as a consolation when you loose more than things.
I would just pass on the consolation and say you loose some and you gain some. Hoping the balance sheet doesn't wait too long to get equal on both the sides!